First and foremost thank you all so much for your encouragement on my post yesterday. Last week was just a trifecta of suck so I'm just working through it all. Today was much better though so I'm doing pretty well at that, thank goodness.
In case you were dying of anticipation to know, I DID go to crossfit today and here are a few highlights from it:
-When a red haired girl gets really hot a sweaty she gets red all over in a not-so-attractive way. Think beet red face and arms and everything else which clashes wonderfully with her (my) hair. However it turns out that when a blonde tan girl gets really hot and sweaty they just get... way more attractive? Who knew. I think it's God's way of making it up to them that they weren't born a redhead. Makes sense, not everyone can be this awesome.
-I also learned not to wear mascara to crossfit. I had to go to my friend's work right beforehand which is full of architects and engineers so I didn't want to look like a hot mess but I sure did by the end of class. It turns out that "waterproof" does not equal "butt kicking proof".
-When I first got to class and they told us the warm up I totally gave my coach the side eye when he said we had to run to the end of the driveway and back. I was all, bitch please. The END of the DRIVEWAY?! And then as soon as we started I realized that everyone else understood that in secret code that means "sprint" and I remembered that I haven't done such a thing since tennis practice in high school and despite the fact that I could out run any one of them in distance any day, I got schooled again in suicide sprints that we did at the end of class. Crossfit: 1, Mary: 0.
-When I got home I texted my running partner something along the lines of, "I WAS THE SLOWEST ONE IN THE CLASS AND I CAN NOT HAVE THIS GAHHH!!!" to which he calmly replied, "I will start adding more speedwork into our runs". Bless his heart.
-As the newest girl I got put into a group last by my coach when we were breaking into our team competition for the day (I will spare you the details but it was 20 minutes straight of running, burpees, sit ups, rowing, barbells and dumbbells) and for a second I felt like the fat kid picked last in dodge ball. But then I told myself it's really because they save the best for last and I felt better (yes, I realize this is not true but go with me here, ok?).
-During an "awesome" exercise where I was required to pick a 20lb dumbbell up as fast as I could and swing it over my head I dropped it right on my head on the way back down on one pass and despite standing right next to me my coach didn't even flinch. I knew I liked him.
-I kind of have a headache now, not sure why...
And that's all I've got for you today, I'm heading out to run 4 or 6 easy miles to stretch out my legs because my thighs are feeling tight and then probably walk around downtown Syracuse wimpering for a while. Aka I am making up for the whine fest of yesterday, sorry about that! But thank you for reading it.
Happy Wednesday.
8.13.2013
Learning when to give in.
I had mixed feelings about going to crossfit today. I've been researching beginning crossfit a lot (I know you're shocked) and almost everything says to start out at three days a week. But me, being me, wanted to go five days this week just to push through the pain and feel more established in the routine of it and then scale back to three days a week next week. I also have a friend who started crossfit last month and she was really encouraging me to go five days for my first week just to break through any uncertainty I was having and that made sense to me.
My plan was to see how I felt physically when I woke up this morning and surprisingly I don't feel that bad for the ridiculous amount of upper body work I did yesterday (I am estimating I did about 150 reps of different variations of pushups alone). My arms are sore and my back is a little sore and that's it. But what's killing me today is my mental state.
I believe that the thing that gets most people in the end is the mental aspect of working out. If your confidence is down or you're feeling anxious or your body is sore (but not injured) then it's easier to give in to the negative thoughts and not push through them. That is something I have always prided myself on, pushing through the negativity towards myself that is always there. Because trust me, it is ALWAYS there. If you ever run with me you will feel it in the first 2-3 miles of every run. I will be kind of slow, drag a bit, talk a lot because mentally I am hating the run, convinced I can't do it, convinced I'm tired, convinced I've tricked myself into thinking I am a real runner. And then I find my sweet spot and the run clicks and I stop talking, my stride lengthens, my pace picks up and evens out and I can go forever. It is always between mile 2-3 and people who have never run with me before always notice it.
But today I lost the mental battle. I woke up on edge and have been severely anxious all day. My heart won't stop pounding and I can't get a clear thought through my head to save my soul. To be fair, last week was a pretty killer one in my world and I am still kind of reeling from it. It's not always easy to be strong but I'm trying. Despite this I actually got dressed this morning in clothes for crossfit (I even wore capris to give my knees a break from rug burn), did some errands and then drove to the parking lot 10 minutes before class started.
And I sat there.
And I thought about going in.
And I talked myself in and out of it three times.
And so I drove to the lake to try to run.
And I realized I didn't even have it in me to do that.
And so I drove home.
And I cried about it the whole way.
So that happened.
Or didn't, as the case may be.
The thing about pushing your body is that there are good days and bad days. Some are good mentally, some are good physically, sometimes you hit the golden ticket and get both and sometimes it's all the opposite. If you start out before your workout in a rough mental state it's even harder to climb out of. And I can tell you with straight confidence that no one loves to beat themselves up over things than I do. I'm feeling like the lowest of the low right now and I am not sure how to climb out of it right this second and I am being brutal on myself about it which is just compounding the situation.
Why am I telling you this?
Because it would be easy for me to pretend that these days don't exist. That I am always a machine that can bang out a 13 mile run without putting much thought to it. That I can go to crossfit day after day regardless of how badly I hurt because I like to push myself. And both of those things are true. But the mental is such a big part of the game and it's a rare day that I can't push through all my walls but it does happen.
I promised myself that if I restarted this blog that I would be honest about how I am feeling with you. Because the whole reason I went into this a year ago was to help people who wanted to get into running because it's a scary, daunting undertaking (just like crossfit is to me right now). It is really easy to fall into the typical "bloggers" way of only writing about the sunshine and rainbows in life but who is that helping in this regard? I want you to know that it's ok that you have bad days. It's ok if you can't push through it. It's ok if you cry the whole way home because you planned on doing 5 miles but only did one (been there, done that) or because you couldn't kill the WOD in crossfit that day. It's ok to take the pressure off yourself. You have enough in the rest of your life, be easy on yourself when you need it (conversely, kick your ass into submission when you need that, too because these days should be few and far between).
There is a saying that I often see pop up on social media that says, You never regret the workouts you do, only the ones you didn't. And while I agree with that for the most part, some days you have to give in and say, you know what? I just don't have it in me today.
Yesterday during our ab workout my coach said, "Don't quit when you want to, quit when you HAVE to".
I had to quit today.
But tomorrow is going to be better and today isn't going to make or break me.
So that's my message for you.
Remember it.
My plan was to see how I felt physically when I woke up this morning and surprisingly I don't feel that bad for the ridiculous amount of upper body work I did yesterday (I am estimating I did about 150 reps of different variations of pushups alone). My arms are sore and my back is a little sore and that's it. But what's killing me today is my mental state.
I believe that the thing that gets most people in the end is the mental aspect of working out. If your confidence is down or you're feeling anxious or your body is sore (but not injured) then it's easier to give in to the negative thoughts and not push through them. That is something I have always prided myself on, pushing through the negativity towards myself that is always there. Because trust me, it is ALWAYS there. If you ever run with me you will feel it in the first 2-3 miles of every run. I will be kind of slow, drag a bit, talk a lot because mentally I am hating the run, convinced I can't do it, convinced I'm tired, convinced I've tricked myself into thinking I am a real runner. And then I find my sweet spot and the run clicks and I stop talking, my stride lengthens, my pace picks up and evens out and I can go forever. It is always between mile 2-3 and people who have never run with me before always notice it.
But today I lost the mental battle. I woke up on edge and have been severely anxious all day. My heart won't stop pounding and I can't get a clear thought through my head to save my soul. To be fair, last week was a pretty killer one in my world and I am still kind of reeling from it. It's not always easy to be strong but I'm trying. Despite this I actually got dressed this morning in clothes for crossfit (I even wore capris to give my knees a break from rug burn), did some errands and then drove to the parking lot 10 minutes before class started.
And I sat there.
And I thought about going in.
And I talked myself in and out of it three times.
And so I drove to the lake to try to run.
And I realized I didn't even have it in me to do that.
And so I drove home.
And I cried about it the whole way.
So that happened.
Or didn't, as the case may be.
The thing about pushing your body is that there are good days and bad days. Some are good mentally, some are good physically, sometimes you hit the golden ticket and get both and sometimes it's all the opposite. If you start out before your workout in a rough mental state it's even harder to climb out of. And I can tell you with straight confidence that no one loves to beat themselves up over things than I do. I'm feeling like the lowest of the low right now and I am not sure how to climb out of it right this second and I am being brutal on myself about it which is just compounding the situation.
Why am I telling you this?
Because it would be easy for me to pretend that these days don't exist. That I am always a machine that can bang out a 13 mile run without putting much thought to it. That I can go to crossfit day after day regardless of how badly I hurt because I like to push myself. And both of those things are true. But the mental is such a big part of the game and it's a rare day that I can't push through all my walls but it does happen.
I promised myself that if I restarted this blog that I would be honest about how I am feeling with you. Because the whole reason I went into this a year ago was to help people who wanted to get into running because it's a scary, daunting undertaking (just like crossfit is to me right now). It is really easy to fall into the typical "bloggers" way of only writing about the sunshine and rainbows in life but who is that helping in this regard? I want you to know that it's ok that you have bad days. It's ok if you can't push through it. It's ok if you cry the whole way home because you planned on doing 5 miles but only did one (been there, done that) or because you couldn't kill the WOD in crossfit that day. It's ok to take the pressure off yourself. You have enough in the rest of your life, be easy on yourself when you need it (conversely, kick your ass into submission when you need that, too because these days should be few and far between).
There is a saying that I often see pop up on social media that says, You never regret the workouts you do, only the ones you didn't. And while I agree with that for the most part, some days you have to give in and say, you know what? I just don't have it in me today.
Yesterday during our ab workout my coach said, "Don't quit when you want to, quit when you HAVE to".
I had to quit today.
But tomorrow is going to be better and today isn't going to make or break me.
So that's my message for you.
Remember it.
8.12.2013
Crossfit day 1: The time I thought I was going to die but didn't
I got a text this morning saying that the crossfit workout was really hard today.
Awesome.
So I replied, "aren't they all hard?" and he said, "yeah but not like this one".
To which I immediately thought, I am going to die.
Let me rewind a little bit to the last few days.
Friday I did nothing, basically because I couldn't move. You really do forget how hard it is to get up and down from your toilet when your legs are crying hysterically until it happens (again). Saturday I had a 4 mile race which would have been better if I wasn't throwing up right up until the time the gun went off but what can you do? I somehow made it through with a wretched time and face planted right into the cooler full of popsicles where I stayed for 20 minutes and then went home. Sunday I felt better, didn't throw up once, and ran 8.5 miles. Woo hoo, I say.
Today: Woke up at 4am throwing up. Yeah, life is that great. Don't worry though, it's all mental. I think? I have had a fever off and on but nothing major. But really, despite all of this being sick talk I am fine (really, it's stress, I'm under a lot). Anyway, got the text I mentioned above, got scared, went to Crossfit anyway because it was my first real class and there was no way I was missing it. As soon as I walked in my coach (who looks like Ralph Macchio, did I mention that? Like I really want to bring him chopsticks and ask him to catch me a fly to prove his worth) said, "Are you ready?? Did you eat today??". Um, no and no, Daniel son. Let's do this.
First we did a warm up of 45 seconds each of push ups, inch worms and rowing for 3 sets. Then we moved into 15 minutes of push ups, box push ups and back dips (there was a certain number of reps to do and those exercises are the scaled back version, there's no way I can do hand stand push ups yet). My arms were SCREAMING halfway through but it was good screaming (not to be confused with when I see broccoli screaming). After that we were split into teams of three and had to row 1500m collectively as fast as we could. I was with two guys and they were really nice and encouraging and HUGE so we got done pretty fast. It was nice to hear my coach say that I clearly have endurance, thank God for that or else all this running is for nothing, right? After that we did 7 minutes of ab work, one minute each of 7 different exercises.
Then I went to my car and died.
No, not really. I actually feel much better than I did on Thursday which is weird considering the workout was longer today. And I am actually really impressed with what I was able to do. I mean, I wasn't breaking any records or anything but I did better than I expected so I'll take it.
Here's the weird thing I noticed about how people were dressed though:
1) No one had a Road ID on (what happens if they go into cardiac arrest??)
2) No one was wearing anything neon pink or yellow or green
3) No one had on shorts with key pockets or built in underwear
4) No one was wearing fancy friction preventing socks
5) No one was wearing Brooks or Nikes or Mizunos. It was all Adidas and Reebok.
6) No one was wearing a race shirt
So....guess what I was wearing?
Looks like it's going to take a while to beat the runner out of me. At least I didn't wear my Garmin, that would have been embarrassing.
Oh, and look at this rug burn! Which I am going to ice as soon as I post this because my hands are on fire.
Those bruises are from the burpees I did on Thursday. Sexy, right?
Verdict after my first real day: is it tomorrow yet? I'm ready.
Awesome.
So I replied, "aren't they all hard?" and he said, "yeah but not like this one".
To which I immediately thought, I am going to die.
Let me rewind a little bit to the last few days.
Friday I did nothing, basically because I couldn't move. You really do forget how hard it is to get up and down from your toilet when your legs are crying hysterically until it happens (again). Saturday I had a 4 mile race which would have been better if I wasn't throwing up right up until the time the gun went off but what can you do? I somehow made it through with a wretched time and face planted right into the cooler full of popsicles where I stayed for 20 minutes and then went home. Sunday I felt better, didn't throw up once, and ran 8.5 miles. Woo hoo, I say.
Today: Woke up at 4am throwing up. Yeah, life is that great. Don't worry though, it's all mental. I think? I have had a fever off and on but nothing major. But really, despite all of this being sick talk I am fine (really, it's stress, I'm under a lot). Anyway, got the text I mentioned above, got scared, went to Crossfit anyway because it was my first real class and there was no way I was missing it. As soon as I walked in my coach (who looks like Ralph Macchio, did I mention that? Like I really want to bring him chopsticks and ask him to catch me a fly to prove his worth) said, "Are you ready?? Did you eat today??". Um, no and no, Daniel son. Let's do this.
First we did a warm up of 45 seconds each of push ups, inch worms and rowing for 3 sets. Then we moved into 15 minutes of push ups, box push ups and back dips (there was a certain number of reps to do and those exercises are the scaled back version, there's no way I can do hand stand push ups yet). My arms were SCREAMING halfway through but it was good screaming (not to be confused with when I see broccoli screaming). After that we were split into teams of three and had to row 1500m collectively as fast as we could. I was with two guys and they were really nice and encouraging and HUGE so we got done pretty fast. It was nice to hear my coach say that I clearly have endurance, thank God for that or else all this running is for nothing, right? After that we did 7 minutes of ab work, one minute each of 7 different exercises.
Then I went to my car and died.
No, not really. I actually feel much better than I did on Thursday which is weird considering the workout was longer today. And I am actually really impressed with what I was able to do. I mean, I wasn't breaking any records or anything but I did better than I expected so I'll take it.
Here's the weird thing I noticed about how people were dressed though:
1) No one had a Road ID on (what happens if they go into cardiac arrest??)
2) No one was wearing anything neon pink or yellow or green
3) No one had on shorts with key pockets or built in underwear
4) No one was wearing fancy friction preventing socks
5) No one was wearing Brooks or Nikes or Mizunos. It was all Adidas and Reebok.
6) No one was wearing a race shirt
So....guess what I was wearing?
Looks like it's going to take a while to beat the runner out of me. At least I didn't wear my Garmin, that would have been embarrassing.
Oh, and look at this rug burn! Which I am going to ice as soon as I post this because my hands are on fire.
Those bruises are from the burpees I did on Thursday. Sexy, right?
Verdict after my first real day: is it tomorrow yet? I'm ready.
8.08.2013
Do you know that I can't spell the word exercise without spellcheck?
Brace yourselves...this isn't a post about running!
If you've read any of my blog in the past then it's no secret that I handle stress in my life with exercise. It's a gift to be able to work your body so hard that you think you may die but never do (yet...keep reading...I may be marching towards my death). It clears my mind in ways that I can't do any other way and I crave pushing myself so hard that I think I have nothing left and then pushing harder only to find out I do. As a matter of fact that's my running mantra: Go until you think you're going to die and then keep going.
I knew I was going to be having to work through something really difficult soon so last week I bought a month's membership to the Crossfit gym (? I don't think they are called gyms but I'll let you know soon) near my house to take my mind off it. Crossfit is something that has made me curious for a while but I was scared to do it by myself. But another mantra of mine is to turn towards fear, not away from it, so here I am sitting on my chair counting the minutes until my intro class (37, if you are wondering).
I know several people who do Crossfit and love it, including my super badass cousin Todd. I know I've mentioned him before, he's a marine and I am convinced he puts nails in his protein smoothies for a flavor. I mean, I can't prove it since he lives in Hawaii and I live in upstate NY but I have my suspicions. Anyway, he along with several others have tried to convince me to try Crossfit over the past year. And I wanted to, I really did, but I just wasn't ready.
As it turns out, today I am. Jesus take the wheel.
Here is what I know about Crossfit:
1) It is going to make me hurt.
2) It will probably make me vomit.
3) It is going to challenge me mentally.
Here's how I feel about what I know about Crossfit:
1) I am a distance runner. I eat pain for breakfast. Bring it.
2) I have lost count of how many times I've puked in someone's yard from hill repeats. Bring it.
3) I need this. BRING IT.
Currently I am sitting here equal parts stupid terrified and stupid excited. Add on the fact that I have been throwing up for the last 36 hours and just ate a bagel as my first solid food in that time and I am not sure how it's going to go (I ran four miles last night after 27 hours of no food...it was BAD....like crying in the bar afterward bad...I'd like to forget yesterday completely. Side story about that: a lady I had just met said to me, "Maybe you shouldn't have run if you're so sick" and my running partner said, "Mary always runs no matter what, you just never know she's sick or hurt until she tells you after she's done". Kind of brought a tear to my eye ;)
I am terrified because I am scared of the unknown. Can I do it? Will it break me? How hard is hard that everyone talks about? What if I don't tone and lose weight from it? What if I hurt myself? What if they find out that I have never been able to do a pull up in my life? What if they find out how much I like cake?
But I am excited because it's new! It's difficult! It's a challenge! It's going to get me in the best shape of my life! It's going to help my running! I'm going to meet so many new people! I bet some of them like cake!
At this point of this post I'm going to stop and come back later to let you know how it goes. Wish me luck!
********************************************************************************************************************
It's done. And what have a learned?
I think I might just like Crossfit.
It's still a little early to tell since all I had was an intro class but I love how much I am going to be able to push myself. I am still worried about being injured but I am hoping to build upper body strength that I have never, ever had. As in sometimes it's a miracle that I can get a bag of Doritos open, my arms are that weak. Like a trex, they're worthless.
My intro class was just me and an instructor. He showed me how to do a few things correctly and talked to me about them and then gave me a mini routine to complete. I had to row 400 meters, do 30 body weight squats, 50 turns of the jump rope and 15 burpees. Here's the thing about these infamous burpees: I don't love them right now but that's because I can't do them well yet. I think when I can I am going to really like the challenge of them. Call me crazy, it's ok, many have. But I like the difficult things.
And the rowing machine, where has that thing BEEN all my life?!
Anyway, my goal was to do those 4 things in as short amount of time as possible and I kind of failed. During the burpees I was extremely lightheaded and had to break them down into sets of 3 in order to do them with breaks because I had no energy. I guess not eating will do that to you? I finished in 12:28 minutes and my instructor told me he thinks I can do it in under 6. That's still probably a really slow time in crossfit land but I agree with him, I was just worn out. And sweating buckets, did I mention that? I make an awesome first impression.
The good news is that I am looking forward to tomorrow! It will be my first "real" workout and I am still nervous because there is still so much unknown about it all but I can't wait. Although maybe I'll be singing a different tune tomorrow since my legs and arms are already sore right now, I'm not sure how I will get through my run tonight.
Speaking of which I have no intentions of stopping that. I'm going to give it some time but crossfit is only a mile from my house so I may run to and from it some days. I'll also still run at least three nights a week at 4-5 miles and then do my long run on Sundays of 8-12 miles.
Because I'm crazy, I guess. But I dig it.
If you've read any of my blog in the past then it's no secret that I handle stress in my life with exercise. It's a gift to be able to work your body so hard that you think you may die but never do (yet...keep reading...I may be marching towards my death). It clears my mind in ways that I can't do any other way and I crave pushing myself so hard that I think I have nothing left and then pushing harder only to find out I do. As a matter of fact that's my running mantra: Go until you think you're going to die and then keep going.
I knew I was going to be having to work through something really difficult soon so last week I bought a month's membership to the Crossfit gym (? I don't think they are called gyms but I'll let you know soon) near my house to take my mind off it. Crossfit is something that has made me curious for a while but I was scared to do it by myself. But another mantra of mine is to turn towards fear, not away from it, so here I am sitting on my chair counting the minutes until my intro class (37, if you are wondering).
I know several people who do Crossfit and love it, including my super badass cousin Todd. I know I've mentioned him before, he's a marine and I am convinced he puts nails in his protein smoothies for a flavor. I mean, I can't prove it since he lives in Hawaii and I live in upstate NY but I have my suspicions. Anyway, he along with several others have tried to convince me to try Crossfit over the past year. And I wanted to, I really did, but I just wasn't ready.
As it turns out, today I am. Jesus take the wheel.
Here is what I know about Crossfit:
1) It is going to make me hurt.
2) It will probably make me vomit.
3) It is going to challenge me mentally.
Here's how I feel about what I know about Crossfit:
1) I am a distance runner. I eat pain for breakfast. Bring it.
2) I have lost count of how many times I've puked in someone's yard from hill repeats. Bring it.
3) I need this. BRING IT.
Currently I am sitting here equal parts stupid terrified and stupid excited. Add on the fact that I have been throwing up for the last 36 hours and just ate a bagel as my first solid food in that time and I am not sure how it's going to go (I ran four miles last night after 27 hours of no food...it was BAD....like crying in the bar afterward bad...I'd like to forget yesterday completely. Side story about that: a lady I had just met said to me, "Maybe you shouldn't have run if you're so sick" and my running partner said, "Mary always runs no matter what, you just never know she's sick or hurt until she tells you after she's done". Kind of brought a tear to my eye ;)
I am terrified because I am scared of the unknown. Can I do it? Will it break me? How hard is hard that everyone talks about? What if I don't tone and lose weight from it? What if I hurt myself? What if they find out that I have never been able to do a pull up in my life? What if they find out how much I like cake?
But I am excited because it's new! It's difficult! It's a challenge! It's going to get me in the best shape of my life! It's going to help my running! I'm going to meet so many new people! I bet some of them like cake!
At this point of this post I'm going to stop and come back later to let you know how it goes. Wish me luck!
********************************************************************************************************************
It's done. And what have a learned?
I think I might just like Crossfit.
It's still a little early to tell since all I had was an intro class but I love how much I am going to be able to push myself. I am still worried about being injured but I am hoping to build upper body strength that I have never, ever had. As in sometimes it's a miracle that I can get a bag of Doritos open, my arms are that weak. Like a trex, they're worthless.
My intro class was just me and an instructor. He showed me how to do a few things correctly and talked to me about them and then gave me a mini routine to complete. I had to row 400 meters, do 30 body weight squats, 50 turns of the jump rope and 15 burpees. Here's the thing about these infamous burpees: I don't love them right now but that's because I can't do them well yet. I think when I can I am going to really like the challenge of them. Call me crazy, it's ok, many have. But I like the difficult things.
And the rowing machine, where has that thing BEEN all my life?!
Anyway, my goal was to do those 4 things in as short amount of time as possible and I kind of failed. During the burpees I was extremely lightheaded and had to break them down into sets of 3 in order to do them with breaks because I had no energy. I guess not eating will do that to you? I finished in 12:28 minutes and my instructor told me he thinks I can do it in under 6. That's still probably a really slow time in crossfit land but I agree with him, I was just worn out. And sweating buckets, did I mention that? I make an awesome first impression.
The good news is that I am looking forward to tomorrow! It will be my first "real" workout and I am still nervous because there is still so much unknown about it all but I can't wait. Although maybe I'll be singing a different tune tomorrow since my legs and arms are already sore right now, I'm not sure how I will get through my run tonight.
Speaking of which I have no intentions of stopping that. I'm going to give it some time but crossfit is only a mile from my house so I may run to and from it some days. I'll also still run at least three nights a week at 4-5 miles and then do my long run on Sundays of 8-12 miles.
Because I'm crazy, I guess. But I dig it.
4.09.2013
I was lost so I went for a run.
I was angry, so I went for a run. And things got better.
I was confused, so I went for a run. And things got better.
I was exhausted, so I went for a run. And things got better.
I was lost, unsure, empty, afraid. Certain that whatever was left of my sanity had snapped, had come untethered and floated away, to a place so high and remote that I would never see it again, and that even if I did, I wouldn't recognize it.
So I went for a run. And things got better.
I felt like things could not possibly get worse, so I went for a run. And things got better.
(Another time, I felt like things could not get much better. I went for a run. Things got much better.)
After enough miles, over enough runs and enough years, I realized: No matter what, no matter when, or where, or why, I can find my shoes and go for a run and things will get better. And that realization? Just knowing that? It made things better.
- Mark Remy
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I read this on facebook this morning and it exactly sums up my last few months. I believe that there are peaks, valleys and flatlands in life and I was in a flatland for quite a while that very quickly turned into a valley. But I am confident that if I keep moving I will come out on the other side because valleys can't go on forever and I can see the mountains in the horizon. And why just move when I can run? So I I am. A lot.
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To bring you up to speed on the mundane things of life (I don't know why the font is different down here but I like variety so let's roll with it):
-My back has been great for the last few months. There are some days that it's really painful but they are few and far between now and nothing that a few stretches and some ibuprophen can't fix and for that I am grateful. It really hates me running anything over than 10 miles but then again it always has so that's not new.
-My pets are healthy and happy and chubby. Trixie decided to whack Archie in the face a couple of weeks ago and as soon as it happened it was immediately clear that she was painful. I checked her eye and could see a visible scratch on her cornea. Cue my overactive vet tech imagination where I envisioned a puncture leading to a corneal ulcer leading to an enucleation and a one eyed rabbit (I've seen this exact scenario more than once so my fears weren't unfounded). After calling every veterinarian in the area that I could think of (Crying. Let's not leave out that I was crying because I can't handle my pets in pain) none of them could see her (it was a Saturday and it turns out finding a vet who sees exotics on a Saturday is more difficult than convincing me to wear pants between April and November) so I drove her over an hour away to a veterinarian that I had a working relationship with and who I knew specialized in cats and rabbits. In the end the injury was a fairly deep scratch but no puncture so we drove back home with pain medication and eye drops and within a few days (and a bag of yogurt drops as rewards for letting me shove things in her eye) she was as good as new. Moral of the story: my cat has anger issues and my rabbit is a money pit.
-Archie turned two right before her eye injury. I gave her a cardboard box with a hole cut in the side and she liked it even better than the $200 hutch she got for last year's birthday. Live and learn.
-I've been really dedicated to running lately because it's the one stable thing I have to hang on to right now. Since January I have done the Resolution Run (I think it was 4-5 miles, it's really informal and the route changes every year so I'm not sure), the Chilly Chili 5k (you might remember it from last year when it was my only DNF to date because my pants were falling down...and if you don't remember from reading it here then don't worry, my mom did and didn't let me forget it), the Tipp Hill Shamrock Run which is 4 miles and I PR'd, and the Syracuse Half Marathon (I'll write a longer post about that one, it was a great race). I finally found a group of people to run with which has been beneficial not just for the camaraderie but for learning how to push myself. I had fallen into a rut of running with people who were slower than me so I wasn't ever pushing myself. For example in January I ran the Chilly Chili at a 12 minute mile pace and by March I had gotten my 5k pace down to 10 minute miles. Yeah, this is still painfully slow but I stuck to my plan that 2012 was to get my distance back and 2013 was to get my times back down. I'm really close to getting back into 9-- minute miles now and I'm pretty proud of that even if a toddler on a scooter could pass me. I'm thankful for the awesome people I have met who have pushed me to push myself even if I did throw up in someone's yard when I was training for the Tipp Hill run (to be fair I was really sick and I was a snot faucet but I ran anyway).
-One of my most awesome friends sent me the Garmin Forerunner 10 for Christmas and it's the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. Have I ever mentioned how lucky I am in the friend department? Because I am. I have no idea why when all I do is talk about my rabbit and rocks and nailpolish and running but somehow they stick around. Blessed, I tell you.
-I finally joined a gym! Which was huge since I hate the idea of doing anything other than running and I was really excited about trying new things but...then I started spending an hour on the treadmill killing myself on intervals (and sweating like a mother), then spending 30 minutes on the stairmasters and then going home. This backfired on me big time because despite spending an hour and a half at the gym a day plus running 15+ miles outside a week after a month and a half I did not lose one pound, one inch or one bit of body fat (I was eating really well too). After rethinking and reevaluating and of course researching it all I am going to start strength training tomorrow. I might even start doing P90X finally the thought of which makes me want to hyperventilate but I need to start building muscle and stop being such an untoned cardio junkie.
-Oh! I finally put my Kitchenaid mixer to a real test!
First I bought Guinness for the first time.
Then I turned it (and a ton of other ingredients) into homemade marshmallows.
Then I covered a bunch in chocolate, crushed pretzels and sea salt!
Do not correlate any of this to the above talk of weight loss because I swear I did not eat one of of them.
I ate 5. Oops. But I ran 7 miles first, I swear :)
So there you have it. Four months, one update. What's new with you?
I was confused, so I went for a run. And things got better.
I was exhausted, so I went for a run. And things got better.
I was lost, unsure, empty, afraid. Certain that whatever was left of my sanity had snapped, had come untethered and floated away, to a place so high and remote that I would never see it again, and that even if I did, I wouldn't recognize it.
So I went for a run. And things got better.
I felt like things could not possibly get worse, so I went for a run. And things got better.
(Another time, I felt like things could not get much better. I went for a run. Things got much better.)
After enough miles, over enough runs and enough years, I realized: No matter what, no matter when, or where, or why, I can find my shoes and go for a run and things will get better. And that realization? Just knowing that? It made things better.
- Mark Remy
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I read this on facebook this morning and it exactly sums up my last few months. I believe that there are peaks, valleys and flatlands in life and I was in a flatland for quite a while that very quickly turned into a valley. But I am confident that if I keep moving I will come out on the other side because valleys can't go on forever and I can see the mountains in the horizon. And why just move when I can run? So I I am. A lot.
***************************************************************************************************************
To bring you up to speed on the mundane things of life (I don't know why the font is different down here but I like variety so let's roll with it):
-My back has been great for the last few months. There are some days that it's really painful but they are few and far between now and nothing that a few stretches and some ibuprophen can't fix and for that I am grateful. It really hates me running anything over than 10 miles but then again it always has so that's not new.
-My pets are healthy and happy and chubby. Trixie decided to whack Archie in the face a couple of weeks ago and as soon as it happened it was immediately clear that she was painful. I checked her eye and could see a visible scratch on her cornea. Cue my overactive vet tech imagination where I envisioned a puncture leading to a corneal ulcer leading to an enucleation and a one eyed rabbit (I've seen this exact scenario more than once so my fears weren't unfounded). After calling every veterinarian in the area that I could think of (Crying. Let's not leave out that I was crying because I can't handle my pets in pain) none of them could see her (it was a Saturday and it turns out finding a vet who sees exotics on a Saturday is more difficult than convincing me to wear pants between April and November) so I drove her over an hour away to a veterinarian that I had a working relationship with and who I knew specialized in cats and rabbits. In the end the injury was a fairly deep scratch but no puncture so we drove back home with pain medication and eye drops and within a few days (and a bag of yogurt drops as rewards for letting me shove things in her eye) she was as good as new. Moral of the story: my cat has anger issues and my rabbit is a money pit.
 |
| The only thing about having to take her to the vet is that she actually want to be held. |
-I've been really dedicated to running lately because it's the one stable thing I have to hang on to right now. Since January I have done the Resolution Run (I think it was 4-5 miles, it's really informal and the route changes every year so I'm not sure), the Chilly Chili 5k (you might remember it from last year when it was my only DNF to date because my pants were falling down...and if you don't remember from reading it here then don't worry, my mom did and didn't let me forget it), the Tipp Hill Shamrock Run which is 4 miles and I PR'd, and the Syracuse Half Marathon (I'll write a longer post about that one, it was a great race). I finally found a group of people to run with which has been beneficial not just for the camaraderie but for learning how to push myself. I had fallen into a rut of running with people who were slower than me so I wasn't ever pushing myself. For example in January I ran the Chilly Chili at a 12 minute mile pace and by March I had gotten my 5k pace down to 10 minute miles. Yeah, this is still painfully slow but I stuck to my plan that 2012 was to get my distance back and 2013 was to get my times back down. I'm really close to getting back into 9-- minute miles now and I'm pretty proud of that even if a toddler on a scooter could pass me. I'm thankful for the awesome people I have met who have pushed me to push myself even if I did throw up in someone's yard when I was training for the Tipp Hill run (to be fair I was really sick and I was a snot faucet but I ran anyway).
-One of my most awesome friends sent me the Garmin Forerunner 10 for Christmas and it's the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. Have I ever mentioned how lucky I am in the friend department? Because I am. I have no idea why when all I do is talk about my rabbit and rocks and nailpolish and running but somehow they stick around. Blessed, I tell you.
 |
| Yes, I'm on the phone in this picture. I'm a multitasker. |
-Oh! I finally put my Kitchenaid mixer to a real test!
First I bought Guinness for the first time.
Then I turned it (and a ton of other ingredients) into homemade marshmallows.
Then I covered a bunch in chocolate, crushed pretzels and sea salt!
Do not correlate any of this to the above talk of weight loss because I swear I did not eat one of of them.
I ate 5. Oops. But I ran 7 miles first, I swear :)
So there you have it. Four months, one update. What's new with you?
3.13.2013
Why I run.
Tuesdays and sometimes Thursdays have become my favorite and least favorite days of the week. It's the day that I run with people who are much faster. And by much faster I mean that I spend 5 miles trying not to throw up with they are trotting along looking bored. I hate these days because who wants to spend all that time trying not to throw up in front of other people? And I love them because I am finally pushing myself to become a better runner.
I know that a lot of people don't understand why I run. And I know that because they tell me. I'm not the best or the fastest and I never will be and yet I spend hundreds of dollars every year to enter races that I won't win. I spend hours that turn into days sweating into my eyes and ears and popping blisters and putting aloe on rashes from my clothes and icing my knee when it's raining and standing in the shower because I am so frozen solid that I don't think I will ever feel my toes again.
And I get it. If I wasn't me I wouldn't understand it either. Especially since I met someone a couple of months ago who HAS been the best, the winner, the 5-6 minute mile runner so I know what drives him even though he has never told me.
But I can tell you the exact minute I became a runner. In 2009 I started walking after work to lose weight. Then I slowly started running, for 30 seconds at a time. After a few months of that I managed a mile. And after a few months of that I signed up for a 5k and did that and thought I was amazing. Still, none of that made me a runner.
On October 31, 2009 at 8am my phone rang and woke me up from a deep sleep. I had been at a work Halloween party the night before and even though I left around 10pm, I drove around until midnight because something felt off in my universe. Something I couldn't put my finger on. So I was out late and got home after midnight and then had a hard time falling asleep which led to me still sleeping at 8am even though I rarely sleep that late.
The phone call was from my high school best friend, someone who I never talked to until my theater class when I was 17 and have loved dearly since. She was upset with my because I hadn't told her that my dad had died. That she had just read his obituary in the paper and it said he passed away on Thursday and here it was Saturday so why hadn't I told her?
It's because I didn't know.
And I really don't want to get into the back story of it but if you knew me when I was small, before my parents decided to separate, you would know that my dad was my world. But because of circumstances I had no control over I had decided 5 years previous to his passing to sever ties with him to make his life easier. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do but I would probably do it again if I had to. But because of this I never knew he was sick. He didn't want me to know. He didn't think that he was so close to the end. He didn't know that he wouldn't have another chance to see me. And neither did I.
At 8am on October 31, 2009 my entire world fell out from under my feet. Have you ever heard that expression, "No regrets"? It's the biggest bunch of crap I have ever heard. Regret is something you don't really understand until it hits you in the face with its finality. Until you're pacing the floor for hours and don't even know how it went from 8am to 2pm. Until you stand in the middle of the living room, staring at the wall and wondering what could you have done differently? What could you have changed? And did he know? Did he know how much you loved him? And did he think of you before he was gone?
I somehow drove to the lake that day. I can't tell you how but I did. I remember standing there, in the same exact spot I had stood on countless times before getting my ipod ready and untangling my headphones and straightening my shoelaces, and wondering what to do next. And I did the only thing I could: I ran.
I only ran for two miles that day but I felt everything in the past 29 years of my life drain beneath my feet. The regret and the agony and the sadness and the fear, all of it. Just gone. I cried but I didn't know why because my mind was completely blank. I ran for the first time not with a goal of finishing but just because I could. And when I was done I got in my car and drove home and got up the next day and did it again. And again. And every day I could since.
I know most people don't have that story of how they became a runner. I know it's because they are good at it or a friend got them into it or the entered a race and loved it. And none of these stories make them any more or any less of a runner than I am. This is just mine. I am a runner because I need to be. And I will be as long as I am able to.
I know that a lot of people don't understand why I run. And I know that because they tell me. I'm not the best or the fastest and I never will be and yet I spend hundreds of dollars every year to enter races that I won't win. I spend hours that turn into days sweating into my eyes and ears and popping blisters and putting aloe on rashes from my clothes and icing my knee when it's raining and standing in the shower because I am so frozen solid that I don't think I will ever feel my toes again.
And I get it. If I wasn't me I wouldn't understand it either. Especially since I met someone a couple of months ago who HAS been the best, the winner, the 5-6 minute mile runner so I know what drives him even though he has never told me.
But I can tell you the exact minute I became a runner. In 2009 I started walking after work to lose weight. Then I slowly started running, for 30 seconds at a time. After a few months of that I managed a mile. And after a few months of that I signed up for a 5k and did that and thought I was amazing. Still, none of that made me a runner.
On October 31, 2009 at 8am my phone rang and woke me up from a deep sleep. I had been at a work Halloween party the night before and even though I left around 10pm, I drove around until midnight because something felt off in my universe. Something I couldn't put my finger on. So I was out late and got home after midnight and then had a hard time falling asleep which led to me still sleeping at 8am even though I rarely sleep that late.
The phone call was from my high school best friend, someone who I never talked to until my theater class when I was 17 and have loved dearly since. She was upset with my because I hadn't told her that my dad had died. That she had just read his obituary in the paper and it said he passed away on Thursday and here it was Saturday so why hadn't I told her?
It's because I didn't know.
And I really don't want to get into the back story of it but if you knew me when I was small, before my parents decided to separate, you would know that my dad was my world. But because of circumstances I had no control over I had decided 5 years previous to his passing to sever ties with him to make his life easier. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do but I would probably do it again if I had to. But because of this I never knew he was sick. He didn't want me to know. He didn't think that he was so close to the end. He didn't know that he wouldn't have another chance to see me. And neither did I.
At 8am on October 31, 2009 my entire world fell out from under my feet. Have you ever heard that expression, "No regrets"? It's the biggest bunch of crap I have ever heard. Regret is something you don't really understand until it hits you in the face with its finality. Until you're pacing the floor for hours and don't even know how it went from 8am to 2pm. Until you stand in the middle of the living room, staring at the wall and wondering what could you have done differently? What could you have changed? And did he know? Did he know how much you loved him? And did he think of you before he was gone?
I somehow drove to the lake that day. I can't tell you how but I did. I remember standing there, in the same exact spot I had stood on countless times before getting my ipod ready and untangling my headphones and straightening my shoelaces, and wondering what to do next. And I did the only thing I could: I ran.
I only ran for two miles that day but I felt everything in the past 29 years of my life drain beneath my feet. The regret and the agony and the sadness and the fear, all of it. Just gone. I cried but I didn't know why because my mind was completely blank. I ran for the first time not with a goal of finishing but just because I could. And when I was done I got in my car and drove home and got up the next day and did it again. And again. And every day I could since.
I know most people don't have that story of how they became a runner. I know it's because they are good at it or a friend got them into it or the entered a race and loved it. And none of these stories make them any more or any less of a runner than I am. This is just mine. I am a runner because I need to be. And I will be as long as I am able to.
2.26.2013
Perfection?
I was really excited about 2013. The tail end of 2011 was pretty darn awful and 2012 was a constant struggle to get my life back to where it was in 2010. I have an intense love for odd numbers with 5 being my favorite and 3 coming in a very close second so I was really excited for 2013 a year with not only a three in it but a year where I was to turn 33. 2010 was awesome, 2011 was a slippery slope, 2012 was a struggle and 2013 was supposed to be the year that I stopped with the dreaming of perfection and worked on what truly made me happy instead of what I THINK should make me happy.
The end of 2012 was still a struggle with my back injury and some other issues but I entered the new year pretty solid until two weeks in when I was hit with a massive b*tch slap of reality to the face. Without going into specifics I will say that I have spent the last 5 weeks wallowing in self pity and slowly realizing that what happened wasn't my fault and there was nothing I could do to change it. That's a hard thing for a Type A, overachieving perfectionist to admit to herself but it is the truth and I need to stop beating myself up over it and I am. The good news is that it has nothing to do with my health or anyone else's though which I am extremely grateful for.
In the world of the internet it's easy to put on a facade that life is perfect or pretty darn close. Instagram filters and 140 characters on Twitter and Facebook statuses that are funny or vague enough that people think you're living the high life can easily mask everything else. Despite my desire to flood every social media outlet I can with glimpses of my life because I really do just like attention (only child syndrome, what's can I say) I just don't like delving into my personal life unless you are very close to me and will always maintain that those outlets aren't the place to air your dirty laundry. I really do strive to do everything in my power to make people laugh because honestly, no matter how hard your life is there is someone out there going through something harder. I have several people who are very near and dear to me who have been going through things that are much more difficult that I am and I think about them often and how lucky I am. And I admit it, I just don't want to write about the bad things so that my life looks like it's exactly how I want it to be and in general I like to try and put a good spin on the negative.
But let's face it, sometimes those perfect snippets of everyone else's internet lives are hard to take when you're sitting at home on a Friday night wishing that Say Yes to the Dress wasn't on for 5 hours straight and that you hadn't made the decision two weeks previous that drinking alone wasn't the best idea given your family history. It turns out that when you're in your 30's your social media is constantly flooded with engagements and wedding planning and wedding anniversaries and pregnancies and babies and it's really easy to fixate on the 18 books on wedding planning that you have sitting on the top shelf of your closet in a box duct taped to oblivion with strict instructions to never touch them under penalty of death because just a short year and a half ago 2013 was going to mean something very different than it currently does.
But when I think about it I am aware of the fact that there are probably people who think that my life has something enviable, too because it really does. I have a life that I have worked hard for and am completely independent. I moved out for college when I was 18 and officially moved out when I was 22 and have been self sufficient ever since. I don't own real estate and my student loans after 6 years of college could make a normal person hyperventilate but I've spilled some serious blood, sweat and tears to get to where I am and I am proud of it. I travel a lot, I have friends who love me very much (enough to send me flowers on Valentine's day and boxes full of Hello Kitty items when my heart is shredded) and the cutest darn rabbit that you ever saw (and cat too but if we're talking in desirable things we have to be honest and know that although I adore her Trix isn't part of most people's equations). And even when single life gets me down and I feel like I haven't accomplished a thing because I don't have a cookie cutter house in a Syracuse suburb with a husband and two little red headed mini-me's (I refuse to give birth to anything but, FYI) and a bank account that will let me retire early I think about the fact that I get to run as often as I want and drink milk right out of the carton and when I clean the bathroom on Sundays the white tile around my toilet is just as spotless as it was the week before when I cleaned it. And you should see my BCBG dress collection, sometimes it makes me tear up because it's so pretty.
My point is that I'm sorry I've been gone. I'm sorry that I didn't want to write anything because my life isn't as perfect as I want it to be. I'm sorry that instead of telling people I am hurting I will always shove it down and deal with it on my own (which is most likely never going to change). But I really do miss writing about my running and what makeup I am obsessed with and what my rabbit has done recently to make me yell at her and then immediately give her a treat because I feel so awful about it (she has me trained). Even if there are 5 people who read this I am here to say that I miss it. So I am back. And hopefully a little more honest about things instead of using the "Internet perfection" that is so easy to fall into.
Now who is ready to hear about my 2013 race schedule? Or that I have an awful sinus cold which lead to me throwing up on the side of the road 3.5 miles into a 4.5 mile run tonight? It really is a good story, I promise.
The end of 2012 was still a struggle with my back injury and some other issues but I entered the new year pretty solid until two weeks in when I was hit with a massive b*tch slap of reality to the face. Without going into specifics I will say that I have spent the last 5 weeks wallowing in self pity and slowly realizing that what happened wasn't my fault and there was nothing I could do to change it. That's a hard thing for a Type A, overachieving perfectionist to admit to herself but it is the truth and I need to stop beating myself up over it and I am. The good news is that it has nothing to do with my health or anyone else's though which I am extremely grateful for.
In the world of the internet it's easy to put on a facade that life is perfect or pretty darn close. Instagram filters and 140 characters on Twitter and Facebook statuses that are funny or vague enough that people think you're living the high life can easily mask everything else. Despite my desire to flood every social media outlet I can with glimpses of my life because I really do just like attention (only child syndrome, what's can I say) I just don't like delving into my personal life unless you are very close to me and will always maintain that those outlets aren't the place to air your dirty laundry. I really do strive to do everything in my power to make people laugh because honestly, no matter how hard your life is there is someone out there going through something harder. I have several people who are very near and dear to me who have been going through things that are much more difficult that I am and I think about them often and how lucky I am. And I admit it, I just don't want to write about the bad things so that my life looks like it's exactly how I want it to be and in general I like to try and put a good spin on the negative.
But let's face it, sometimes those perfect snippets of everyone else's internet lives are hard to take when you're sitting at home on a Friday night wishing that Say Yes to the Dress wasn't on for 5 hours straight and that you hadn't made the decision two weeks previous that drinking alone wasn't the best idea given your family history. It turns out that when you're in your 30's your social media is constantly flooded with engagements and wedding planning and wedding anniversaries and pregnancies and babies and it's really easy to fixate on the 18 books on wedding planning that you have sitting on the top shelf of your closet in a box duct taped to oblivion with strict instructions to never touch them under penalty of death because just a short year and a half ago 2013 was going to mean something very different than it currently does.
But when I think about it I am aware of the fact that there are probably people who think that my life has something enviable, too because it really does. I have a life that I have worked hard for and am completely independent. I moved out for college when I was 18 and officially moved out when I was 22 and have been self sufficient ever since. I don't own real estate and my student loans after 6 years of college could make a normal person hyperventilate but I've spilled some serious blood, sweat and tears to get to where I am and I am proud of it. I travel a lot, I have friends who love me very much (enough to send me flowers on Valentine's day and boxes full of Hello Kitty items when my heart is shredded) and the cutest darn rabbit that you ever saw (and cat too but if we're talking in desirable things we have to be honest and know that although I adore her Trix isn't part of most people's equations). And even when single life gets me down and I feel like I haven't accomplished a thing because I don't have a cookie cutter house in a Syracuse suburb with a husband and two little red headed mini-me's (I refuse to give birth to anything but, FYI) and a bank account that will let me retire early I think about the fact that I get to run as often as I want and drink milk right out of the carton and when I clean the bathroom on Sundays the white tile around my toilet is just as spotless as it was the week before when I cleaned it. And you should see my BCBG dress collection, sometimes it makes me tear up because it's so pretty.
My point is that I'm sorry I've been gone. I'm sorry that I didn't want to write anything because my life isn't as perfect as I want it to be. I'm sorry that instead of telling people I am hurting I will always shove it down and deal with it on my own (which is most likely never going to change). But I really do miss writing about my running and what makeup I am obsessed with and what my rabbit has done recently to make me yell at her and then immediately give her a treat because I feel so awful about it (she has me trained). Even if there are 5 people who read this I am here to say that I miss it. So I am back. And hopefully a little more honest about things instead of using the "Internet perfection" that is so easy to fall into.
Now who is ready to hear about my 2013 race schedule? Or that I have an awful sinus cold which lead to me throwing up on the side of the road 3.5 miles into a 4.5 mile run tonight? It really is a good story, I promise.
 |
| Last Friday night. Me, my girls, Smartwool socks and Duck Dynasty. |
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