The end of 2012 was still a struggle with my back injury and some other issues but I entered the new year pretty solid until two weeks in when I was hit with a massive b*tch slap of reality to the face. Without going into specifics I will say that I have spent the last 5 weeks wallowing in self pity and slowly realizing that what happened wasn't my fault and there was nothing I could do to change it. That's a hard thing for a Type A, overachieving perfectionist to admit to herself but it is the truth and I need to stop beating myself up over it and I am. The good news is that it has nothing to do with my health or anyone else's though which I am extremely grateful for.
In the world of the internet it's easy to put on a facade that life is perfect or pretty darn close. Instagram filters and 140 characters on Twitter and Facebook statuses that are funny or vague enough that people think you're living the high life can easily mask everything else. Despite my desire to flood every social media outlet I can with glimpses of my life because I really do just like attention (only child syndrome, what's can I say) I just don't like delving into my personal life unless you are very close to me and will always maintain that those outlets aren't the place to air your dirty laundry. I really do strive to do everything in my power to make people laugh because honestly, no matter how hard your life is there is someone out there going through something harder. I have several people who are very near and dear to me who have been going through things that are much more difficult that I am and I think about them often and how lucky I am. And I admit it, I just don't want to write about the bad things so that my life looks like it's exactly how I want it to be and in general I like to try and put a good spin on the negative.
But let's face it, sometimes those perfect snippets of everyone else's internet lives are hard to take when you're sitting at home on a Friday night wishing that Say Yes to the Dress wasn't on for 5 hours straight and that you hadn't made the decision two weeks previous that drinking alone wasn't the best idea given your family history. It turns out that when you're in your 30's your social media is constantly flooded with engagements and wedding planning and wedding anniversaries and pregnancies and babies and it's really easy to fixate on the 18 books on wedding planning that you have sitting on the top shelf of your closet in a box duct taped to oblivion with strict instructions to never touch them under penalty of death because just a short year and a half ago 2013 was going to mean something very different than it currently does.
But when I think about it I am aware of the fact that there are probably people who think that my life has something enviable, too because it really does. I have a life that I have worked hard for and am completely independent. I moved out for college when I was 18 and officially moved out when I was 22 and have been self sufficient ever since. I don't own real estate and my student loans after 6 years of college could make a normal person hyperventilate but I've spilled some serious blood, sweat and tears to get to where I am and I am proud of it. I travel a lot, I have friends who love me very much (enough to send me flowers on Valentine's day and boxes full of Hello Kitty items when my heart is shredded) and the cutest darn rabbit that you ever saw (and cat too but if we're talking in desirable things we have to be honest and know that although I adore her Trix isn't part of most people's equations). And even when single life gets me down and I feel like I haven't accomplished a thing because I don't have a cookie cutter house in a Syracuse suburb with a husband and two little red headed mini-me's (I refuse to give birth to anything but, FYI) and a bank account that will let me retire early I think about the fact that I get to run as often as I want and drink milk right out of the carton and when I clean the bathroom on Sundays the white tile around my toilet is just as spotless as it was the week before when I cleaned it. And you should see my BCBG dress collection, sometimes it makes me tear up because it's so pretty.
My point is that I'm sorry I've been gone. I'm sorry that I didn't want to write anything because my life isn't as perfect as I want it to be. I'm sorry that instead of telling people I am hurting I will always shove it down and deal with it on my own (which is most likely never going to change). But I really do miss writing about my running and what makeup I am obsessed with and what my rabbit has done recently to make me yell at her and then immediately give her a treat because I feel so awful about it (she has me trained). Even if there are 5 people who read this I am here to say that I miss it. So I am back. And hopefully a little more honest about things instead of using the "Internet perfection" that is so easy to fall into.
Now who is ready to hear about my 2013 race schedule? Or that I have an awful sinus cold which lead to me throwing up on the side of the road 3.5 miles into a 4.5 mile run tonight? It really is a good story, I promise.
|Last Friday night. Me, my girls, Smartwool socks and Duck Dynasty.|