Confession.

I eat too much fruit. And by too much I mean not enough, it's never enough. I've been averaging 2lb a grapes a day and you'd think reading that that they're probably spread out over the course of the day but no, I eat most of them at once. I've been gone for work all week and when I finally came home last night the first thing I did was go to Wegmans and there were NO green grapes! I almost had a temper tantrum right on the spot but I reigned it in and got strawberries instead. They weren't nearly as good but as it's almost strawberry season I'm hoping to switch to them soon of which I also average 2lb a day when they're in season. I'm going to crack and go to Wegman's shortly though, I just can't go two days without them.

And now you know about my crazy fruit addiction.

Oh, and FYI I ate grapes from Target three times this week. Twice they were ok but once they were AMAZING. Target really is a magical place.

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I haven't run since the Mountain Goat. At first it was because I could barely move but then it was out of sheer laziness. I wanted to run every day but then...just didn't. And here's the awful truth of things:

I don't love running right now. And Sunday proved it.

Don't get me wrong, I still love the idea of it. I'm just frustrated because I'm not at a point yet where I can just run and be happy about it. I still get tired and walk a lot during long runs and I just can't find my groove (meaning when I completely forget about everything else except that I'm running and how awesome it is). It's a hard place to be mentally. I KNOW that I need to run. I know that I want to run. I know that the only way through this is to just force myself through it. But I was a little disheartened Sunday at being one of the last finishers in a race that I usually love. Want to know what sucks? When you're still running and trying to push hard and give it everything you can and they are breaking down the water stations. Or the people who were watching and cheering are packing up and leaving. Or the police drive by and tell you that you need to get off the road because they are reopening it and run on the sidewalk, through the bands that are no longer playing but are instead dismantling and getting annoyed that you almost knock over their high hat. Or when you're at mile 8.5 of 10 and one of the race officials rides by on his bike and announces to the volunteers "Only a few more left coming!" (to which I yelled, "That wasn't very nice to announce!!" and he turned around and apologized to me and asked how I was doing so I forgive him). Or that you literally watch the last finisher go across the finish line a mere 10-15 minutes after you.

It sucks.

But newsflash to myself: life isn't all rainbows and butterflies. It's not all cute bunnies who never poop and Cadbury Eggs that have no calories.  The truth of the matter is that I was one of the last people but it was at a very hard a race. A race a lot of people try to run but drop out of. A race that if I continued my pace and added on another three miles I would have beat my half marathon time in March by over a half hour and that's even with all the hills that I ran (of which the half I did in March had none) which is amazing progress. A race that 6 months ago I couldn't even have done.

It is so easy to fall into a negative mindset and I sure did this week. I was sad for no reason and spent every day just wanting to be at home with my fluffy girls and watch a lot of Deadliest Catch reruns (on DVD since I own every season) but instead I sat in my various hotel rooms eating grapes from Target and watching The Real Housewives of Anywhere reruns.

But I can't stay in this mindset. It does nothing good for me. Feeling sorry for yourself accomplishes nothing.

I don't love running right now. To be honest I am dreading it. But today I am going to buy a brand new shiny running journal and create a mileage plan. And tomorrow I am going to start it. And some days will be easy and some will be hard but I am hoping that in a month or two this feeling will be gone and I will be back to loving the one thing I love more than cake.

Did I just really say that? Because cake is pretty amazing.

But not as amazing as how I used to feel after running 10 miles of hills.

That right there is a happy face. And it's BEFORE they gave me my first Chobani Pomegranate yogurt ever, a yogurt I used to buy by the case at Whole Foods in Maine and drive home with on ice before they carried it around me. MMM.