Hi, I'm Mary. I like glitter, stacked heels, kayaking, cats and baking cupcakes. Want to be my friend?

I woke up this morning and had another epiphany (I told you this happens a lot).

I have no friends. Like, none.

Que the crying face:

(Side note, Omg I miss you, Pacey! I've loved you since Mighty Ducks! I even own that awful movie about that secret society you made! Come back to my tv!!!)



Anyway...

Let me clarify that I DO have friends. Not a lot but a handful that are very near and dear to my heart whom I love very much. They just don't live anywhere near me and because of that it is very easy to lose track of each other with work, life and everything in between. Add that to the fact that I am a remote employee and see my coworkers a whopping 2 times a year and you have a girl who is in dire need of someone of the same sex to go shoe shopping with and cry over chick flicks with (Alex tries so hard to do both but he will just never understand the draw of any shoes over $30 that he can't hike in).

After a bit of whining about this on twitter I found a few other people in the same boat as me. What do you do when you are 31 years old and suddenly find yourself without a social circle? I've been so caught up with my "newish" job and Alex that I didn't really have time to notice until this morning that I can't even remember the last time that I went out and did something with friends. I think that friendships are essential to happiness because whether it's laughing together or crying together it's a relationship that is just so necessary to someone's well being. I also think that friendships change over time and people that fit so perfectly into your life 10 years ago may not be exactly what you need right now and have found myself in that situation quite a few times.

Therefore I am left with this dilemma: what to do? My life is spent working (from home or on the road all over NY, NJ and PA) and traveling to and from the Catskills so I rarely come across people that I see more than once. I'm a nomad who is rarely home long enough to do laundry and that in itself makes life difficult. I am an outgoing person who will literally talk to anyone (I think it's part of my charm ;) but to know me is to love me because outside of my professional life I am a total goofball and a sarcastic ass who's main goal in life is to get anyone to laugh. This doesn't always come across well at a first meeting because the shy adolescent that I used to be tends to come out and I have a hard time knowing what to say when I want someone to like me. In my mind it's the equivalent of open mouth drooling and walking around like Quasimodo (please tell me you saw the Disney version because the soundtrack was the BOMB) and although I know it's nowhere like that in my head it is much worse. Sometimes I think that it's easier to date than find a long term friend. Add in to all that that I am attention whore (yup, said it) and it's a recipe for disaster.

I have used the website meetup.com before after a pretty nasty breakup in a fit of "If he doesn't want me then I am going to go out and make all new friends and do all new things and he will see how awesome I am and will totally want me back but I won't take him!!! Unless there are flowers and making out and declarations of undying love involved. Then I'll think about it." rage (all girls do this, FYI) and joined an outdoor adventure group. I went on one hike with a group of very nice people and had a decent time until one jackass decided in a blatant show of testosterone that he should use his repelling rope to swing through the waterfall and kick off the other side. Anyone with a room temperature IQ can figure out what came next (a fractured tibia meaning that I head to carry the packs of 3 grown men out of the valley so they could carry him) and I was a little hesitant to go to another one*. I also got into running pretty hardcore at that point and it took up most of my time so I lost contact with the group.

Since then I have gone on another hike with them with Alex a month or so ago which was much more enjoyable (and much less terrifying) so I decided to give it another try and join a woman's book club. Truth be told, after all this whining, I don't really like many women as we are generally competitive bitches but I am desperate for a shoe-shopping-wine-drinking- commiserate-about-how-dirty-boys-leave-the-bathroom friend that's I'm going to go for it. I paid my $5 dues and just ordered the books off of Amazon (one is a book by Michael Pollan who's book "In Defense of Food" totally changed my way of thinking) and the other book was on mega sale for $2 so I'm already in a win-win situation. My first scheduled meet up is in September so wish me luck. This lonely gypsy needs it.


*There is actually a video of this wonderful feat online which has a bewildered cameo by yours truly. Enjoy. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UGwmCXJkpmc

World, you got some 'splainin to do

No one told me that when you fall in love you gain weight.

Ok, maybe they did but since I waited until I was 31 to do it the information probably got stuck somewhere in the back of my mind between the perfect way to apply Mac's fluidline and how to ping an IP address to see if it's available (I would rather not have to know that, for the record).

So imagine my surprise when I woke up one day a few weeks ago and was no longer able to slide into any dress in my way-too-extensive BCBG collection. I went on a google spree and it turns out that eating for 2 does not apply to relationships, only for procreation.

I feel so betrayed by Cupid. Don't I get some sort of grace period? I mean, come on! I spent my life waiting for the right one, kicking troll after troll to the curb in a sea of tears and cheap wine so don't I deserve a bag of Doritos or 4 without any consequences?

Turns out the answer is no. So although I do love that little naked dude with the wings and the arrows for bringing me the most fantastic guy for me, I would like to punt him across a football field. If, you know, I had any sort of athletic skill and could perform such a feat. But details.

I'd imagine that this discovery is probably shocking to any woman but given that I spent a year and a half of my life dedicated to losing as much weight as the Olsen twins combined (no joke) it was particularly heartbreaking for me. I worked so damn hard to be a size 4 and all of a sudden it was gone. Then, last week, the unthinkable happened. I was at Lowe's with Alex (my hunk of geeky man love) and the greeter asked us what we were looking for. After cheerfully announcing where we would find cup hooks and astro turf (that's another story) we walked away in search of our prizes and as we did she shouted, "When are you due??!". At first it didn't register that she was directing it at me and the 4 months of love lard that had settled upon my abdomen until she shouted it much more gleefully so I did the only thing I knew how to do. I yelled back, "I'm not pregnant, I'm just fat" and then promptly burst into tears.

Because I'm a crier. And that's how we roll.

To be honest, I knew that I was gaining some weight because I haven't been able to run in months due to some medical issues and I've been eating everything not nailed down driven purely by being in love and the intoxicating draw of high fructose corn syrup but I had no idea how much until then. So here I am, not exactly back to where I started but knowing that it's going to be much more difficult this time. Because the first time it wasn't hard at all and this time...this time there are a lot more obstacles.

The good news is I know that I can do this. I did it before and I'll do it again. It just might be a lot of long, lonely nights mourning the loss of frosting and french fries.

Mmmm....frosting....